I have this great gift of communication.
One time my little dog was chasing hot on the heels of a cat and I turned to Jim.  "Do you want to see me stop that dog in her tracks?"
He nodded.  In my warmest voice I sent an encouraging note to the dog.. "SIC 'EM!"
The little dog squatted to a halt instantly."
Now I am finally learning how to use this marvelous gift. 
When I want the cat fed all I need to do is come moaning into the house and say that MY sugar level is low and I need something to eat right then.  Immediately, my wife leaps to her feet and rushes to see that the cat gets fed.  If I moan twice and collapse on the floor before she goes out the door then the dog will get fed too.
If my wife is disturbing my work in the office and I ask her to tone her phone conversation down she gets all in a huff.  But, if I stop to conjure up this brilliant idea of how she can help us make more money, she suddenly realizes she hasn't read the newspaper since yesterday, and ZOOM, off she goes.  I can work for hours without any fear of disturbance.

***

The shortest race ever run is the one to find a scapegoat.

=======

The game warden rowed out behind a friend of his. "Bill," he said. "I've heard you were fishing with dynamite and I want to remind you that is illegal. So, first I will tell you why it is illegal, and then I'm going to tell you how much it will cost you if I ever catch you fishing with dynamite."
Bill reached down in the bottom of his boat and lit a stick of dynamite. The fuse sputtered as he held it up for the game warden to see, then Bill tossed the burning stick of dynamite into the front of the other man's boat. "Are you going to fish," he asked. "Or are you going to talk about it?"

=================

The head nurse was instructing the new phone operator in hospital protocol.  "There are only three options to respond with so this is easy to learn.

#1, If they have to ask if a patient has been admitted you explain that you can't find any record of that patient and ask if they can call back later..

#2, if they know the patient's name and ask for the room number then you respond by saying the patient is taking tests in the hospital somewhere, but you aren't sure where.

#3, If they know the patient's name and the room number and ask how the patient is doing you tell them the patient has decided that all information about them is to remain confidential."

========================= 

"I owe most of my success to the fact I'm a failure," explained the author.  "Knowing I am bound to fail, I work twice as hard to make sure everything is right."

=================

The biggest mistake a writer can make is thinking that just because s/he can write better than other people s/he understands more.

=============

Few writers are successful at leaving well enough alone. For example: one writer ended her bedtime story with: "And once she had explained that it was all his fault Cinderella and the Prince lived happily ever after."

=================

My autobiography is outselling Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens. 
Of course, my book has more crooks in it.

=====================

"Do you want to add an exculpatory clause to this contract?" the freelance writer asked the client. 
"What is an exculpatory clause?" 
The writer grinned. "Exculpatory is a fancy word which tells the buyer: No matter what happens, It ain't my fault."

===============================

"You know how boring those old people are," asked the mother.  "All they ever do is complain about their aches and pains.  Well, you will end up in the same boat if you don't get your bad habits under control now before they take control of you."

=======================

Two girls stopped just before going into the party.  "Now remember," said the one to the other.  "If his clothes fit and the colors match, he's already married."

===================  

  The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice dumb enough to work long hard hours for next to nothing. The very first hour on the job the smith said: "I will lay the hot shoe on the anvil.  When I am ready l will nod my head and you hit it with the hammer."

  The apprentice did EXACTLY as he was told.  Two minutes later he was the only live blacksmith in the village.  

As scriveners of the published sort our words can make a similar impact.  
Let us be careful where we aim our readers.

====================

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