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Here we go setting this
up again.. George Smiff
in his wife's gossamer
thin nightgown comes
gliding into the living
room where the little
girl’s birthday party is
applying and George has
his lawn torch held high
and his eyes are raised
to heaven and radiant
beams of sweat makes his
face translucent,
glistening like an
angel’s. George holds
his arm out just a
little bit farther and
just as soon as he has
milked that pose for all
it’s worth he cuts his
gaze down to the
birthday girl and says,
“Do I have any
volunteers to pick up
all the trash and carry
it out?” As soon as some
of the little kids scoot
off to do his bidding,
George drifts over like
a snowflake and plumps
down beside
the birthday girl.
He picks up a little candy bar and opens it. He licks his chops. “I used to eat candy bars like this. My mother told me that if I didn’t quit, right then, that someday I would be big and, fat. Well, I didn’t want to get so big and fat that I couldn’t fly any more, so I quit. |
Open The World Wide
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*
| Well, you know what
I mean, I quit eating
candy bars in front of
my mother. Way back
then I was operating on
the theory that what
Mama didn’t know
couldn’t hurt me.”
George pauses to gaze
down meaningfully at his
paunch. He sighs.
“Once you get as big as
I am, there’s no going
back, your flying days
are over. The suit
doesn’t fit and the
wings don’t work. I’ll
tell you, it’s
frustrating. You’re not going to eat any more of those little candy bars, are you. No? Good, I’m glad you’re listening to me. Here, we’ll put them in my pocket so nobody can see them. Now, where was I? Oh yes, I was about to tell you the story of that great day in history when Humpty Dumpty met Robin Hood. The first scene opens like this.. Humpty Dumpty has ran off from home again because Peter had told him how much fun it was to fight Pirates. On the way to Never-Never Land Peter had talked Humpty into climbing up onto this big, tall brick wall then ran off and left him because he was crying so much. Humpty couldn’t quit crying because he wished with all his heart that he hadn’t listened to Peter. “If I hadn’t listened to Peter, I could go home now,” he said. Have any of you ever listened to somebody like Peter and got off somewhere that you realize you shouldn’t oughta been? That’s the reason I gave all of you cell phones with GPS on the back. If you ever get yourself stuck on a wall somewhere, just call me with your coordinates and I’ll come chase Peter off with a broom stick. You know, Peter used to be my boyfriend. I loved him at first, but now I hate him because he dumped me just like he dumped Humpty Dumpty up there on the wall. And how are we going to get you down off that wall if I can’t fly any more? Well, that’s where Robin Hood comes in. Robin Hood has a heart as big as Peter’s and he dresses up in these tight little jeans, Nottenham Green Jeans he calls them. So here’s Humpty Dumpty stuck up there on the wall and Peter’s gone off chasing adventure somewhere and here comes Robin Hood in his little Nottenham Green Jeans, and he sees Humpty Dumpty stranded up there on the wall and – what do you think he does? Right, Robin Hood licks his chops as he looks up at Humpty Dumpty and he sings out, “Jump. Jump. JUMP!” And of course – are you surrrre you haven’t been listening to someone like Peter that’s leading you astray? You’ve had another birthday now and suddenly there are going to be a lot of Peters in this world that want to lead you astray. That could be you up there, you know? instead of Humpty Dumpty. Of course Humpty Dumpty starts crying again because he’s lonely and he’s scared and here’s this perfect stranger in silly green jeans jeering at him and telling him to jump. Are you going to jump? Humpty Dumpty was too scared to jump. You’d be scared to jump too if Peter had left you stranded on a wall that big and high. The Peter’s of this world will leave you stranded in a heartbeat; Of course it’s true, would Tinkerbell lie to you? So, Oh, Yes. — and Humpty Dumpty was stranded on that big, tall wall with Robin Hood down at the bottom, licking his chops. Do you remember me telling you about Samuel, the Lamanite that was stuck on a big city wall just like the one Humpty Dumpty was stranded on? People started shooting arrows at Samuel and that’s what Robin Hood did too. He nocked an arrow to his bow and he starts shooting arrows at Humpty Dumpty. Humpty Dumpty can’t even count how many arrows Robin is shooting at him. They’re getting closer and closer, and Humpty Dumpty is scooting away from them because he knows that if he’s ever hit once, his armor is gone, shot to pieces. I’ll tell you just like it really is, a lot of really good eggs have broken up when their body armor cracks. And Robin Hood is shouting at Humpty Dumpty now. “Jump, Jump, JUMP!” then he licks his chops one more time and he tells this big, fat lie. “Jump, and I’ll catch you!” Are YOU going to jump, if you were Humpty Dumpty? I have to ask you this because this is the third time one of the Peters in this world called you out and you ran off from home. “Oh, where is my little Humpty Dumpty now?” your poor mother is calling, crying because she loves you so much. “I had you all safe and sound but you listened to Peter, and oh, where is my little Humpty Dumpty now?” Well, WE know where Humpty Dumpty is now, don’t we? YES! He’s up there on the big tall wall and this funny looking guy in silly looking green jeans is yelling at him to make him jump. “Ill catch you,” he says. But you can’t trust anybody that wears silly looking jeans like he’s got on, no, not even if he has painted them green. But Humpty Dumpty did listen. Oh, I tell you this story is so sad. Humpty Dumpty listened to Robin Hood and all the king’s horses and all the king’s men had scrambled eggs for breakfast again. Hey, that’s just how it ended, would Tinkerbell lie to you? No, sir, not while she’s holding a lawn torch for Robin Hood she wouldn’t. |
The End!
The Author..
Lin Stone is a lot like George Smiff in
this story; he’s always left holding the torch for
somebody or some mighty cause with clay feet.
“Oh, if I had just listened to my mother when I
was young. I wouldn’t be this big if I had
listened to my mother and ate
my green vegetables like she said.”
Do you have another little candy bar tucked away somewhere?
