Your doctor and pharmacist have a Medical conspiracy going that let's them both afford a Lincoln Continental. The doctor prescribes what you need to take and the pharmacist fills the order. What you put in your body is what makes you sick; too much junk food, too much medicine, too much television. If they would just tell you what to Quit Taking, they could get you well faster and keep you that way longer.
All we want is enough of your money to go on vacation again. Please cooperate.
It is cheaper to prepare and
People are indignant when you try to change their opinions with facts. Therefore, these facts are cleverly clothed with indignant opinions so that you can accept them or reject them wholesale, before you have to think about the facts. This can't be done by people who are logically incoherent.
In the days of slavery and the
underground railroads, there lived on the banks of
the Ohio River near Gallipolis, a noted Democrat
named Judge French, who said to some anti-slavery
friends that he should like them to bring to his
office the first runaway negro that crossed the
river, bound northward by the underground. He
just couldn't understand why they wished to run away.
This was done, and the following conversation took
Slave: "Oh, no, Judge; very good, kind massa."
Judge: "He worked you too hard?"
Slave: "No, sah, never overworked myself all my life."
Judge, hesitatingly: "He did not give you enough to eat?"
Slave: "Not enough to eat down in Kaintuck? Oh, Lor', plenty to eat."
Judge: "He did not clothe you well?"
Slave: "Good enough clothes for me, Judge."
Judge: "You hadn't a comfortable home?"
Slave: "Oh, Lor', makes me cry to think of my pretty little cabin down dar in old Kaintuck."
Judge, after a pause: "You had a good, kind master, you were not overworked, plenty to eat, good clothes, fine home. I don't see why the devil you wished to run away."
Slave: "Well, Judge, I lef de
situation down dar open. You kin go rite down and
This is the most uncomfortable chair I have ever liked.
Okay, who is the nut in charge of this cracker box?
Little Johnny lamented that his father had just lost
Johnny was always getting into it. One night his father fell asleep on the couch and about midnight he came awake just a spluttering because Little Johnny had hosed him off. His father chased Little Johnny's demonic laughter all the way down the hall and flipped the light switch on. When Johnny realized he had hosed his father off he was horrified. "Daddy. daddy," he cried. "Don't kill me! I thought you were the cat."
The old man's anger subsided immediately and he began to chuckle. "Oh. Well. I forgive you then. Nothing's too good for the cat."
Unregistered Pit Bull For Sale to Highest bidder: Has nervous tic in right eye when about to bite. His epilepsy is under control now. Allergies are still a problem Either he needs glasses, or he likes to run --- He runs from rabbits, rustling weeds and dark shadows. But we offer Free leash with purchase. Bring your own muzzle and dog cage. Whatever you do though, remember that nervous tic! Must see to appreciate. Call 872 5556 after 5:00 for more information.
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver., Jay Leno, US comedian & television host
Early American Jokes
The wife of Sam the Smythie became ill, and
presently fell into a trance so deep it deceived
even the physician, so that she was pronounced
dead, and duly prepared for burial. Following
the local customs of that early time, the body
was wrapped up tightly inside a sheet. Her body
was then borne to the local cemetery on the
shoulders of her four strong brothers. Her
mother and 3 sisters followed, with the bereaved
husband following them. The procession followed
a narrow path leading across the fields to the
cemetery. At a crucial turning point on the
mountainous trail, a hackberry thorn tree stood
so close that one of the thorns tore through the
sheet and lacerated the woman's flesh. Her blood
began leaking through the sheet, and Sam's wife
began kicking up a storm, demanding (in fierce
language so foul she must have learned it from her brothers)
to be loosed from her sheet.
Two men, who were about to be hanged at a public
execution were already on the scaffold in
preparation for the supreme moment, when a bull
being led to market broke loose and ran amuck
through the great crowd assembled to witness the
hanging. One of the condemned men on the
scaffold turned to his fellow, and remarked:
"Boy, it's a good thing we're not down there in
Once upon a time, Thackeray declares, there was
an oyster so big that it took two men to swallow
Punch was heard to observe that a man who would
make a bad pun would pick a good pocket.
John Steinbeck tells about the coyote that was
chasing a jackrabbit during the depression, and
they were both walking.
I used to think that my mother was a bad housekeeper, but now I realize that she just had too many lazy kids.
Now that Sister Smith and I are retired we can't seem to arrange our schedules so that we can have our meals together. However, after much pondering and prayer we did manage to set up a schedule where we could take our pills together.
Ma, them nickel pops aren't that cheap no more.
If you beat a dead horse long enough you won't have to bury it.
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping., Rita Rudner, US comedian
I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on., Oscar Levant
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight., Rita Rudner, US comedian
Every time a president gets shot there is a hue and a cry to take all the guns away from the rest of us. They want to make sure that the next time a president needs doing in the assassins won't be frightened into waiting so long.
We were out yard-sailing in the country and we stopped at a horde of cars. I asked the lady where she had advertised the event. "I didn't advertised it!" she proudly told me. "I just told all my friends on FaceBook to come to my yard sale, and if they don't show up I would go ask them why not."
No matter where you go,
One liners are my favorite brand of American humor, so I have saved a bunch of them for you, click Hyer.
The American Farmer is on Welfare, First Class.
After Sampson was shaved and cleaned up so you could tell what he really looked like, even his wife hated him a little bit.
Laughing is Dangerous..
Is Your Insurance
Let's find out if
Bridie Malone was her name before she became Lady Corless. She was the daughter of the blacksmith in the village at the gates of Castle Affey, and she was at least forty years younger than Sir Tony. People shook their heads when they heard of the marriage and said that the old gentleman must be doting.
"It isn't even as if she was a reasonably good-looking girl," said Captain Corless, pathetically. "If she had been a beauty I could have understood it, but--the poor old dad!"
Captain Corless was the son of another, a very different Lady Corless, and some day he in his turn would become Sir Tony. Meanwhile, having suffered a disabling wound early in the war, he had secured a pleasant and fairly well-paid post as inspector under the Irish Government. No one, not even Captain Corless himself, knew exactly what he inspected, but there was no uncertainty about the salary. It was paid quarterly.
Have you enjoyed this article?
You'll chuckle over these other tidbits as well.
Camp Cody in New Mexico
It all started in GOOD OLD CAMP CODY
An audio generated from material original to Josh Lee
Narrated by Lin Stone
The first thing you have to do before burning
in your wood fireplace is to check whether
the thermostat is turned down.
Hooch The story of a boy and his dog, and the tigers that loved them to death.
One Liners, the most popular brand of humor in America.
Secrets of Success, according to Lucy Goosey
Sound of Music Stories Why Julie Andrews decided to take the part.
Doktor Freud had some important things to say.
Bloopers First Class, MisPrince from Advertising
Imitation Psychiatrists The atmosphere inside is sincere, earthy, and courteous. Our help is so effective that sometimes we even lull each other to sleep. After years of dedicated practice we can speak soothing, meaningless drivel on a variety of subjects.
One unforgettable Sunday our church had a three-year- old
preacher, an organist who could only play one song, an altercation involving
the offering and a visiting beagle who knocked over the pulpit. It happened
this way on . . One Unforgettable Sunday.
Are you sick and tired of being broke?
Maybe it is time to take this three part course in robbing banks.
|Frankie and Johnny
were sweethearts, even if Johnny was so crazy with jealousy that --
Masters of Disguise tales from
The Couch Potato's Credible Comeback
The Tinted Venus What do you do when Venus comes to life and will love no one, only you? Our young hairdresser wishes to run for his life. This is a complete, full sized book. Please RIGHT CLICK on the title to download your copy to your desktop.
The Mad Dog, and danged if he didn't bite.
The Book of Huckleberry Finn. The story of an uncivilized boy that took a runaway slave down the river.
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