The appreciative chuckle has become an endangered species of humor today.  Lazy comedians shoot for the embarrassed snicker and audiences circle the stage like hungry wolves, waiting for Alpha to draw spurts of blood.  Yet gentle humor. like Will Rogers produced, is still loved.  Run a Jack Benny show over again and it draws gusts of laughter in more than half the right places.  Leave it to Beaver, the Dick Van Dyke show, Ozzie and Harriet -- these draw a similar reaction because the Funny Bone hasn't really changed that much in the last thousand years.  Once you hit your own streak down chuckles street you can add more joy and zest to the public thoroughfare at every bend in the road.

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Into Smart Phone Billboards

 

 

* *

Your doctor and pharmacist have a Medical conspiracy going that let's them both afford a Lincoln Continental.  The doctor prescribes what you need to take and the pharmacist fills the order.  What you put in your body is what makes you sick; too much junk food, too much medicine, too much television.  If they would just tell you what to Quit Taking, they could get you well faster and keep you that way longer.

 

***

People are indignant when you try to change their opinions with facts.  Therefore, these facts are cleverly clothed with indignant opinions so that you can accept them or reject them wholesale, before you have to think about the facts.


This ad may be copied without charge
Provided you keep the link pointed back to us.

In the days of slavery and the underground railroads, there lived on the banks of the Ohio River near Gallipolis, a noted Democrat named Judge French, who said to some anti-slavery friends that he should like them to bring to his office the first runaway negro that crossed the river, bound northward by the underground. He just couldn't understand why they wished to run away. This was done, and the following conversation took place:
Judge: "So you have run away from Kentucky. You had a bad master, I suppose?"

Slave: "Oh, no, Judge; very good, kind massa."

Judge: "He worked you too hard?"

Slave: "No, sah, never overworked myself all my life."

Judge, hesitatingly: "He did not give you enough to eat?"

Slave: "Not enough to eat down in Kaintuck? Oh, Lor', plenty to eat."

Judge: "He did not clothe you well?"

Slave: "Good enough clothes for me, Judge."

Judge: "You hadn't a comfortable home?"

Slave: "Oh, Lor', makes me cry to think of my pretty little cabin down dar in old Kaintuck."

Judge, after a pause: "You had a good, kind master, you were not overworked, plenty to eat, good clothes, fine home. I don't see why the devil you wished to run away."

Slave: "Well, Judge, I lef de situation down dar open. You kin go rite down and git it."
~ JAMES G. BLAINE

**

All we want is enough of your money; to go on vacation again please cooperate.

This is the most uncomfortable chair I have ever liked.

***

Okay, who is the nut in charge of this cracker box?

***

Little Johnny lamented that his father had just lost his job.
"Oh, that makes me so sad, Johnny.  But you know, things are so bad today that you can't even keep a job you hate."
"I know," said Johnny.  "Mama says he's been hating that job for 21 years now."

**

Johnny was always getting into it.  One night his father fell asleep on the couch and about midnight he came awake just a spluttering because Little Johnny had hosed him off.  His father chased Little Johnny's demonic laughter all the way down the hall and flipped the light switch on.  When Johnny realized he had hosed his father off he was horrified.  "Daddy. daddy," he cried.  "Don't kill me!  I thought you were the cat."

The old man's anger subsided immediately and he began to chuckle.  "Oh.  Well.  I forgive you then.  Nothing's too good for the cat."

***

Unregistered Pit Bull For Sale to Highest bidder:  He Likes to run --- runs from rabbits, rustling weeds and dark shadows.  May need glasses.  Has nervous tic in right eye when about to bite.  His epilepsy is under control now.  Allergies are still a problem, but we offer Free leash and free delivery.  Bring your own muzzle and dog cage. 

Must see to appreciate. Call 872 5556 after 5:00 for more information.

*

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver., Jay Leno, US comedian & television host

***

Early American Jokes

The wife of Sam the Smythie became ill, and presently fell into a trance so deep it deceived even the physician, so that she was pronounced dead, and duly prepared for burial. Following the local customs of that early time, the body was wrapped up tightly inside a sheet. Her body was then borne to the local cemetery on the shoulders of her four strong brothers. Her mother and 3 sisters followed, with the bereaved husband following them. The procession followed a narrow path leading across the fields to the cemetery. At a crucial turning point on the mountainous trail, a hackberry thorn tree stood so close that one of the thorns tore through the sheet and lacerated the woman's flesh. Her blood began leaking through the sheet, and Sam's wife began kicking up a storm, demanding (in fierce language so foul she must have learned it from her brothers) to be loosed from her sheet.
Fourteen years later the same good wife was again pronounced dead and the same family members participated in a similar procession. But this time, as the four strong brothers approached the critical turn of the path where the hackberry tree grew, Sam the Smythie called out to them: "Jacques, John, Look out for the thorn tree!"

***

120 years ago a good, strong Scottish lass emigrated to Canada as an indentured servant. After a few months of service she visited her pastor and inquired his fee for marrying. He informed her that his charge was two dollars. A month later, the girl visited the clergyman for the second time, and counted out to him enough coins to add up in painful slowness to the whole two dollars. When the last penny tinkled into the clergyman's palm she snapped crisp directions, "Now, go ahead and marry me."
The mystified clergyman glanced all around and then asked "Where is the bridegroom?"
"Why, that's highway robbery!" the girl exclaimed. "Do you mean to tell me I'm expected to import my own bridegroom after paying you my two whole dollars?"

**

Two men, who were about to be hanged at a public execution were already on the scaffold in preparation for the supreme moment, when a bull being led to market broke loose and ran amuck through the great crowd assembled to witness the hanging. One of the condemned men on the scaffold turned to his fellow, and remarked: "Boy, it's a good thing we're not down there in that crowd."

***

Once upon a time, Thackeray declares, there was an oyster so big that it took two men to swallow it whole.

***

Punch was heard to observe that a man who would make a bad pun would pick a good pocket.

"Sir, if you ever come within a mile of my house, I hope you will stop there."

"You are really thin, and I am even thinner, but Johnny is as thin as the two of us put together."

Josh Billings made a point of saying that one hornet, if it was feeling well, could break up a whole camp meeting.

President Lincoln referred to Mississippi gunboats with draught so light that they would float wherever the ground was a little damp.

Once upon a time there was a man in Missouri so tall that he had to go up on a ladder to shave himself—and go down in the cellar to put his boots on.

***

John Steinbeck tells about the coyote that was chasing a jackrabbit during the depression, and they were both walking.

An old man and his wife went into the grocery store and stood looking at all the aisles for a moment. "Okay, said the old man. "You go that way and I'll go this way to see if we can find that grocery list we brought with us last week."

Another old man took all the tattered umbrellas in his house to the repair shop. On the way to his office on the following day, when he got up to leave the city bus, he absentmindedly laid hold of the umbrella beside him and started briskly up the aisle. The owner began shrieking that he had stolen her umbrella. It took 10 minutes to convince the bus driver that he had not intended to steal the woman's umbrella.
After work that afternoon, he stopped at the repair shop, and received all eight of his umbrellas in transparent sacks, duly repaired. As he came up the steps of the bus he was stunned to find the same lady of his morning adventure glaring at him. Her voice lashed him with a withering scorn: "Ha! I'll bet you they'll believe me now!"

A little girl in the zoo was distracted by a large bird that kept nodding to her in supplication for little bits of a bun to be thrown its way. "What kind of a bird is it, mamma?" the child asked.
The mother read the placard, and said, "Why, that's a stork."

"O-o-o-h!" the little girl cried, as her eyes grew huge and round. "Of course -- -- no wonder he recognized me!"

***

I used to think that my mother was a bad housekeeper, but now I realize that she just had too many lazy kids.

**

Now that Sister Smith and I are retired we can't seem to arrange our schedules so that we can have our meals together.  However, after much pondering and prayer we did manage to set up a schedule where we could take our pills together.

***

Ma, them nickel pops aren't that cheap no more.

***

If you beat a dead horse long enough you won't have to bury it.

**

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping., Rita Rudner, US comedian

***

I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on., Oscar Levant

***

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight., Rita Rudner, US comedian

***

Every time a president gets shot there is a hue and a cry to take all the guns away from the rest of us.  They want to make sure that the next time a president needs doing in the assassins won't be frightened into waiting so long.

***

We were out yard-sailing in the country and we stopped at a horde of cars.  I asked the lady where she had advertised the event.  "I didn't advertised it!" she proudly told me.  "I just told all my friends on FaceBook to come to my yard sale, and if they don't show up I would go ask them why not."

**

No matter where you go,
there's road work ahead.

***

One liners are my favorite brand of American humor, so I have saved a bunch of them for you, click Hyer.

***

 

***

The American Farmer is on Welfare, First Class.

***

After Sampson was shaved and cleaned up so you could tell what he really looked like, even his wife hated him a little bit. 

***

Laughing is Dangerous..

Is Your Insurance
GOOD ENOUGH?

Let's find out if
You Are a REAL writer
Take the Broken Key test!

Take any 400 consecutive words from your writing.  Now pretend you have to rewrite those words for an anxious editor and the letter "U" is broken on your keyboard.

This means that Any word in that passage that has a u in it must be replaced with a word that does not have a "U" in it.    You have fifteen minutes...

Ready, Set, GO!

Hmm.  Let's rewrite that last sentence with the "U" gone.

Writer, there are fifteen min--, hmm.

This is harder than it looks.  Maybe I'd better give you an hour... No, that's got a "U" in it too. 

You know,

when I get a POV in a mess like this

I back up and start over again a few paragraphs back. 

Let's do that here.

Let's find out if
You Are a REAL writer
Take the Broken Key test!

Take any 400 consecutive words from your writing.  Now pretend you have to rewrite those words for an anxious editor and the letter "Z" is broken on your keyboard.

***

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago, that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

***

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

***
In the 1400's, a law was set forth in England that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick that was thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb' to go by.

***

The actual cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven comes out to somewhere around $ 16,400 -- more if he wasn't fixed or house broken.

**

The first novel ever written on a typewriter? Tom Sawyer.


Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

***

If a statue in the park is of a person on a horse -- and his mighty steed has both front legs lifted in the air, the hero died in battle...
If the horse has only one front leg pawing the air then the hero died because of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the rider might have been killed by his wife.

Lady Bountiful   

Bridie Malone was her name before she became Lady Corless. She was the daughter of the blacksmith in the village at the gates of Castle Affey, and she was at least forty years younger than Sir Tony. People shook their heads when they heard of the marriage and said that the old gentleman must be doting.

"It isn't even as if she was a reasonably good-looking girl," said Captain Corless, pathetically. "If she had been a beauty I could have understood it, but--the poor old dad!"

Captain Corless was the son of another, a very different Lady Corless, and some day he in his turn would become Sir Tony. Meanwhile, having suffered a disabling wound early in the war, he had secured a pleasant and fairly well-paid post as inspector under the Irish Government. No one, not even Captain Corless himself, knew exactly what he inspected, but there was no uncertainty about the salary. It was paid quarterly.

*

Have you enjoyed this article?
You'll chuckle over these other tidbits as well.


Camp Cody in New Mexico
It all started in GOOD OLD CAMP CODY
An audio generated from material original to Josh Lee
Narrated by Lin Stone

The first thing you have to do before burning anything
in your wood fireplace is to check whether
the thermostat is turned down. 

Hooch The story of a boy and his dog, and the tigers that loved them to death.

Get Out And VOTE.

One Liners, the most popular brand of humor in America.

Secrets of Success, according to Lucy Goosey 

Sound of Music Stories  Why Julie Andrews decided to take the part.

Ink Blots Are Prejudiced!

Doktor Freud had some important things to say.

Bloopers First Class, MisPrince from Advertising

Imitation Psychiatrists  The atmosphere inside is sincere, earthy, and courteous.  Our help is so effective that sometimes we even lull each other to sleep. After years of dedicated practice we can speak soothing, meaningless drivel on a variety of subjects.

***

One unforgettable Sunday our church had a three-year- old preacher, an organist who could only play one song, an altercation involving the offering and a visiting beagle who knocked over the pulpit. It happened this way on . . One Unforgettable Sunday. 
Light-Hearted Stories of Hope 

***

Will Rogers Cuts Loose On The Armistice 

**

Are you sick and tired of being broke?  Maybe it is time to take this three part course in robbing banks.
Bank Robbery, Course 1
Bank Robbery, Course 2
Bank Robbery, Course 3

The Lady Ore the Tiger
 
Christmas Lists 
Hot New Dog Race Explodes with a bang from the City Hall in Stuttgart and will continue uninterrupted until the winners collect their winnings on the front steps of the Bank of England, which will be holding the magnificent purse.

The Skeeter Beater
, by Lin Stone 
The First Romeo and the Last Juliet, by Earl H. Roberts 
The Beebe Flea Market
by Maggie Wood 
Where in the World, by Maggie Wood 
Buddha in the Bathtub by Earl H. Roberts
 
Fun With Misfired Words, part 1 
Fun With Misfired Words, part 2 
Fun With Misfired Words, part 3 
Fun With Misfired Words, part 4 
Fun With Misfired Words, part 5 
Pearls from My Lips 

The Pakistani Perpetrators 

Frankie and Johnny were sweethearts, even if Johnny was so crazy with jealousy that --

Masters of Disguise  tales from Hollywood. 
Stories of Shirley Temple in Hollywood 
Chickens are Cute Little Carnivores 
The Church of the Chaise Lounge, If it feels good, sleep on it. 
Warner Brothers leads the way to Sound movies.
The Crabgrass Connection -- (Or, If We intend to Save America, we MUST quit blowing off Steam!)    Lin offers no apologies for tackling Chinese midgets in this one.  He sincerely believes that we must quit feeding the hand that bites us if we want to conquer the crabgrass in our front yards. 
Is Your Hologram keeping track of you?
 

The Couch Potato's Credible Comeback 
Insurance Humor 
Victory over the Virus 
Galded in the Saddle
, an exposition of the cure that bites from the behind. 
Passion in a Flower pot
... The deal of a lifetime finds romance from down Mejico Way. 
Dear Abby
:  A plea for help. 
Ancient Document Discovered
by Earl H. Roberts:  This one will find most interest from those with a military background, including those who have watched a few war movies. 
Drop Him GOOD
, by Earl H. Roberts

Liquid Vitamins in a Liquid World?  What is this world coming to?
Rising From The Ashes, by Earl H. Roberts.  Sometimes we just flat gotta face facts head on and honestly if we intend for the flames of ambition to lift us to new heights. 
The Popcorn Automatic self-improvement replicator program.
Sneakers Sneak Into The World
The Unified Theory of Web Economics and the Science of Selling Gas
Sincerely yours, tired, trite, and untrue.
Startled, or Scared? 

The Tinted Venus  What do you do when Venus comes to life and will love no one, only you?  Our young hairdresser wishes to run for his life.  This is a complete, full sized book.  Please RIGHT CLICK on the title to download your copy to your desktop.

Valentine's Day Speshul 

The Mad Dog, and danged if he didn't bite.
Oldies, older than the Civil War.
Some of the funniest material on the web comes from an unintentional mangling of the English language.  For instance, "Do not chase about your plumber." Tales of the Broke and Famous
Noah's Departure 
A Google Addict 
A man and his wife are soon parted. 
The Dust Bunnies Are EVERYWHERE! 
Body Building Inventions you haven't seen yet

Brand Them GOOD!
The Adventures of Psi King 
Gila Bend of Yesteryear 

The Book of Huckleberry Finn.  The story of an uncivilized boy that took a runaway slave down the river.

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