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In the days of slavery and the
underground railroads, there lived on the banks of
the Ohio River near Gallipolis, a noted Democrat
named Judge French, who said to some anti-slavery
friends that he should like them to bring to his
office the first runaway negro that crossed the
river, bound northward by the underground. He
just couldn't understand why they wished to run away.
This was done, and the following conversation took
place:
Judge: "So you have run away from Kentucky. You had a bad
master, I suppose?"
Slave: "Oh, no, Judge; very good,
kind massa."
Judge: "He worked you too hard?"
Slave: "No, sah, never overworked
myself all my life."
Judge, hesitatingly: "He did not
give you enough to eat?"
Slave: "Not enough to eat down in Kaintuck? Oh, Lor', plenty to eat."
Judge: "He did not clothe you well?"
Slave: "Good enough clothes for me,
Judge."
Judge: "You hadn't a comfortable
home?"
Slave: "Oh, Lor', makes me cry to
think of my pretty little cabin down dar in old
Kaintuck."
Judge, after a pause: "You had a
good, kind master, you were not overworked, plenty
to eat, good clothes, fine home. I don't see why the
devil you wished to run away."
Slave: "Well, Judge, I lef de
situation down dar open. You kin go rite down and
git it."
~ JAMES G. BLAINE
**
All we want is enough of your money; to go on vacation again please
cooperate.
This is the most uncomfortable chair I have ever
liked.
***
Okay, who is the nut in charge of
this cracker box?
***
Little Johnny lamented that his father had just lost
his job.
"Oh, that makes me so sad, Johnny. But you know, things are so
bad today that you can't even keep a job you hate."
"I know," said Johnny. "Mama says he's been hating that job for 21 years
now."
**
Johnny was always getting into it. One night
his father fell asleep on the couch and about midnight he came awake
just a spluttering because Little Johnny had hosed him off.
His father chased Little Johnny's demonic laughter all the way down
the hall and flipped the light switch on. When Johnny realized
he had hosed his father off he was horrified. "Daddy. daddy,"
he cried. "Don't kill me! I thought you were the cat."
The old man's anger subsided immediately and he
began to chuckle. "Oh. Well. I forgive you then.
Nothing's too good for the cat."
***
Unregistered Pit Bull
For Sale to Highest bidder: He Likes to run --- runs from rabbits, rustling
weeds and dark shadows. May need glasses.
Has nervous tic in right eye when about to bite.
His epilepsy is under control now. Allergies are still a
problem, but we offer Free leash and free delivery.
Bring your own muzzle and dog cage.
Must see to appreciate. Call 872 5556 after 5:00 for more information.
* 
The
reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can
be the designated driver., Jay Leno, US comedian & television
host
***
Early American Jokes
The wife of Sam the Smythie became ill, and
presently fell into a trance so deep it deceived
even the physician, so that she was pronounced
dead, and duly prepared for burial. Following
the local customs of that early time, the body
was wrapped up tightly inside a sheet. Her body
was then borne to the local cemetery on the
shoulders of her four strong brothers. Her
mother and 3 sisters followed, with the bereaved
husband following them. The procession followed
a narrow path leading across the fields to the
cemetery. At a crucial turning point on the
mountainous trail, a hackberry thorn tree stood
so close that one of the thorns tore through the
sheet and lacerated the woman's flesh. Her blood
began leaking through the sheet, and Sam's wife
began kicking up a storm, demanding (in fierce
language so foul she must have learned it from her brothers)
to be loosed from her sheet.
Fourteen years later the same good wife was
again pronounced dead and the same family
members participated in a similar procession.
But this time, as the four strong brothers
approached the critical turn of the path where
the hackberry tree grew, Sam the Smythie called
out to them: "Jacques, John, Look out for the
thorn tree!"
***
120 years ago a good, strong Scottish lass
emigrated to Canada as an indentured servant.
After a few months of service she visited her
pastor and inquired his fee for marrying. He
informed her that his charge was two dollars. A
month later, the girl visited the clergyman for
the second time, and counted out to him enough
coins to add up in painful slowness to the whole
two dollars. When the last penny tinkled into
the clergyman's palm she snapped crisp
directions, "Now, go ahead and marry me."
The mystified clergyman glanced all around and
then asked "Where is the bridegroom?"
"Why, that's highway robbery!" the girl
exclaimed. "Do you mean to tell me I'm expected
to import my own bridegroom after paying you my
two whole dollars?"
**
Two men, who were about to be hanged at a public
execution were already on the scaffold in
preparation for the supreme moment, when a bull
being led to market broke loose and ran amuck
through the great crowd assembled to witness the
hanging. One of the condemned men on the
scaffold turned to his fellow, and remarked:
"Boy, it's a good thing we're not down there in
that crowd."
***
Once upon a time, Thackeray declares, there was
an oyster so big that it took two men to swallow
it whole.
***
Punch was heard to observe that a man who would
make a bad pun would pick a good pocket.
"Sir, if you ever come within a mile of my
house, I hope you will stop there."
"You are really thin, and I am even thinner, but
Johnny is as thin as the two of us put
together."
Josh Billings made a point of saying that one
hornet, if it was feeling well, could break up a
whole camp meeting.
President Lincoln referred to Mississippi
gunboats with draught so light that they would
float wherever the ground was a little damp.
Once upon a time there was a man in Missouri so
tall that he had to go up on a ladder to shave
himself—and go down in the cellar to put his
boots on.
***
John Steinbeck tells about the coyote that was
chasing a jackrabbit during the depression, and
they were both walking.
An old man and his wife went into the grocery
store and stood looking at all the aisles for a
moment. "Okay, said the old man. "You go that
way and I'll go this way to see
if we can find that grocery list we brought with
us last week."
Another old man took all the tattered umbrellas
in his house to the repair shop. On the way to
his office on the following day, when he got up
to leave the city bus, he absentmindedly laid
hold of the umbrella beside him and started
briskly up the aisle. The owner began shrieking
that he had stolen her umbrella. It took 10
minutes to convince the bus driver that he had
not intended to steal the woman's umbrella.
After work that afternoon, he stopped at the
repair shop, and received all eight of his
umbrellas in transparent sacks, duly repaired.
As he came up the steps of the bus he was
stunned to find the same lady of his morning
adventure glaring at him. Her voice lashed him
with a withering scorn: "Ha! I'll bet you
they'll believe me now!"
A little girl in the zoo was distracted by a
large bird that kept nodding to her in
supplication for little bits of a bun to be
thrown its way. "What kind of a bird is it,
mamma?" the child asked.
The mother read the placard, and said, "Why,
that's a stork."
"O-o-o-h!" the little girl cried, as her eyes
grew huge and round. "Of course -- -- no wonder
he recognized me!"
***
 I used to think that my mother was a bad
housekeeper, but now I realize that she just had
too many lazy kids. ** Now that Sister Smith and I are retired
we can't seem to arrange our schedules so that we can have our meals
together. However, after much pondering and prayer we did
manage to set up a schedule where we could take our pills together. *** Ma, them nickel pops aren't that cheap no more. ***
If you beat a dead horse long enough you won't have to bury it.
** My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were
just napping., Rita Rudner, US comedian
*** I envy people who drink. At least they have something
to blame everything on., Oscar Levant *** I was a vegetarian
until I started leaning toward the sunlight., Rita Rudner, US
comedian
*** Every time a president gets shot there is a hue and a cry to
take all the guns away from the rest of us. They want to make sure that the next time
a president needs doing in the assassins won't be frightened into waiting so long.
*** We were out yard-sailing in the country and we stopped
at a horde of cars. I asked the
lady where she had advertised the event. "I didn't advertised it!" she proudly told me. "I
just told all my friends
on FaceBook to come to my yard sale, and if they don't show up I
would go ask them why not." ** No matter where you go,
there's road work ahead. ***
One liners are my favorite brand of American
humor, so I have saved a bunch of them for you,
click Hyer.
***
 *** The American Farmer is on
Welfare, First Class. *** After Sampson was shaved and
cleaned up so you could tell what he really looked like, even
his wife hated him a little bit. *** 
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