News Flash
Hot New Dog Race Explodes |
Copyright © 2005
by Earl H. Roberts
A hot new Dog Sled Race will explode with a bang from City Hall in Stuttgart and continue uninterrupted until the winners collect their winnings on the front steps of the Bank of England, which will be holding the magnificent purse.
Entry fees are £100 per sled.
Make checks payable to Tina Miller at shareyourstate.com
The current Queen of England has been petitioned to hand out all prize money
to the winners from the Bank of England's doors.
100% of the entry fees will be distributed to the winners of the race as prize money.
50% goes to the first place winner.
24% goes to the second place winner.
And the remaining 19% goes to the third place winner.
International Sponsors are invited to contribute additional prizes along the route. It is rumored that Furina had already offered a thousand pounds of Puppy Chompers as an extra bonus for any musher team in the winner's circle that is hoisting their international banner when crossing the finish line.
Rules: Rule #1, There shall be no infractions of the rules. Anyone who infracts the rules shall forfeit any fractional share in the winnings. Rule #2, The collective weight of the mushers for each sled entered in the race must exceed a minimum 250 pound limit.
Rule #3, The collective weight of dogs can not exceed a 210 pounds limit.
Mushers may choose any breed of dogs and any number of dogs from any combination of breeds.
For example, two Great Danes totaling 190 pounds can be coupled with 15 or 20 of their little Mexican Hairless cousins for a super thrust of added traction on the hills.
Rule #4, Each musher must wear a vest of flourescent orange hue with head gear to match. This should eliminate all the accidental pot shots from local poachers that race officials wish to avoid.
Rule #5, No matter how many mushers are on each sled Not more than one human foot can be on the ground at one time at any time during the entire race.
The type of casing that foot must be shod in has not been established at this time and therefore is left still wide open for speculation. Nike? and other manufacturers have been invited to participate in the creation of special racing gear especially for the feet in this race.
Rule #6, All dog food consumed during the race must be carried on the sled with the exception of specific purchases made at the super nutrition chow centers established along the route by promotional race supporters.
Rule #7, All mushers must follow the racing route exactly. Deviations of any kind will be punished severely.
Rule #8, All dog sleds must fly the flag of their national origin, but may also fly an identifying banner of advertising import as well.
Rule #9, Sleds can be made of any material, provided each sled weighs more than 10 pounds. 
Rule #10, Sleds can be manufactured to any design the mind of man can conceive of. For example, Peso Little intends to build a special two wheeled dog sled that is designed like a Roman Chariot.
On the downhill runs Peso will throw all of his 310 pound weight to the back of the sled as a cantilever, thus raising his dogs off the ground and giving them a much needed rest as they plunge downhill. | Insurance quotes for this event may be picked up free of charge from The National Insurance Directory. Quit Scrambling to pay those High Dog Sled Insurance Rates. Even if you have been designated as a high risk musher our comprehensive auto quotes system could save you as much as 46% -- on the road -- or off the beaten trail. And best of all, there is NO CHARGE, and no obligation of any kind to see if we can lower your insurance costs. Try us now! Other family friendly insurance company directories are maintained here for your
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For added safety during this special event all poachers in the region that are known to occasionally mistake fast moving dog-sledders for low flying ducks have been warned to keep out of sight at all times during the race. Anyone caught with a smoking gun will have his or her hunting license revoked for all time and eternity. Repeat offenders will lose their fishing license too!
To insure there will not be any blinding snow storms to interfere with the visionary capacities of the mushers the race will not start until 6:00 A.M. on the morning of July Fourth in the year 2005 C.E.. Stuttgart mayor, Butch Richenback has volunteered to personally serve a hot cup of his private blend of pre-launch coffee to each dog sled musher that lines up on the starting line that morning.
As you probably know, Stuttgart is home of the World's Championship Duck Calling Contest, the world-famous Bud Light Duck Gumbo Cook-off, the best sport-shop in the U.S. (Mack's Prairie Wings) and the best duck calls in the world -- namely Rich-N-Tone Duck Calls.
The Racing Route
Mushers will line up in front of Stuttgart's City Hall in the same order in which they have posted their entry fee. If two or more mushers register on the same day the envelope with the prettiest stamp will be opened (and registered) first!
From the City Hall of Stuttgart, mushers will find the most direct route to Highway 11 going towards Hazen
and follow it to the junction with Highway 165 where they will turn sharply to the LEFT.
Click HERE to see the map provided by Yahoo.com
Mushers will continue on Highway 165 -- without variation -- through Humnoke, Coy, Seaton Dump and on to England.
Lemonade stands will be set up along the way by The Arkansas Association of Young HomePreneurs. The first musher to arrive at each stand will receive a free cup, with ice, on the house. Sweetener is extra, of course.
All traffic entering Humnoke from Highway 13 will be halted during the race when any dog sled is in sight.
Click HERE to see the map provided by Yahoo.com
Troopers stationed in the suburbs of Coy have promised to keep a squad car standing by with its engine running, to prevent traffic snarls as mushers whiz through the area.
Click HERE to see the map provided by Yahoo.com
Mushers are invited to lighten their loads at Seaton Dump for the final push to the finish line.
Click HERE to see the map provided by Yahoo.com
The front steps of the Bank of England are located right where Highway 165 makes a SHARP right hand turn and heads towards Little Rock.
Click HERE to see the map provided by Yahoo.com
There is a stop light flashing at this junction, but we have been told that mushers do not have to pay it any attention since nobody else in town ever has.
Prize Money Note:
The Little Drummer Girl (AKA Amanda Elmore) will beat the drums slowly
while The Queen of England distributes the prize money.
If our negotiations with the Queen of England fall through
then The Little Drummer Girl will play the drums slowly
while she tries to distribute the prize money at the same time.
Consolation Prizes:
All mushers who finish the race in time
will be treated to an exuberant display of fireworks in the England City Park.
the end.
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